People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?