@mejustbeth: Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

@Zwolf666: My neighbor's 13-month old only has four teeth. She's way too young to being doing that much meth.

@fro_vo: [airplane intercom] good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

@Parkerlawyer: I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@Holy_Mowgli: As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I'm an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.