I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
You Might Also Like
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.