@: I talk to my librarian like he's my drug dealer.
"You don't have it yet? I need something now; what've you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!"
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@SCbchbum: The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
@walks_on_legs: Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I'll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!
@davetureq: They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
@GrantTanaka: wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they'll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we're sleeping in shifts from now on
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