I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
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You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
💻🤡
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.