I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
You sure about that?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married