@charliedelta7: I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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@Treememories: Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
@LaytesAgain: For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering "Do something stupid to your hair."
@dafloydsta: *goes to bathroom *takes out phone *opens Twitter *finishes *pulls pants up *flushes *forgets to poop
@noog: People act like weed is the worst thing for short-term memory. Go drink 15 beers and see if you can remember your name or how legs work.