Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
You Might Also Like
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.