@charliedelta7: I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
@TeaAndCopy: [Knock at door] MAN: Hello I'm here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I'm here to talk about bondage ME: Do come in