If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
You Might Also Like
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.