I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
This made me smile…
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.