I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Sign at work today
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.