I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
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[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
You can’t rush stupid.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”