I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
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Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”