@LolaFaglana: I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say "Mommy steals credit cards" when they're in a checkout line.
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@PoorEvelyn: Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne. I assume it was something she ate.
@GoldenSpirals: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and everyone knew, you were still out shopping, yes, it sucks to be you.
@3sunzzz: [first day in prison] "I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face."