@LolaFaglana: I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say "Mommy steals credit cards" when they're in a checkout line.
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@MarylandMudflap: Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper "I know it's been you shitting in my yard."
@bombsydoll: me: I know it's over, but can I have one last hug? Please? Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?
@hippieswordfish: absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh
@shadygrenade: *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."