@FilthyRichmond: I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.
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@DamonHunzeker: Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird -- I didn't even know horses could live underwater.
@TheAlexNevil: You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
@robdelaney: Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It's like, why did I have kids.
@Black__Elvis: Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.