@FilthyRichmond: I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.
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@shutupmikeginn: "Are you left handed?" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
@dril: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
@AHundredElbows: [at pet store] "This tortoise's shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?" "No, it happens. It's just a reptile dysfunction."
@pevbim: I've never held a baby before "It'll be fine" *I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*