My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up