I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not