I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
23. the denim jacket
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this