I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
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*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Going to church you guys need anything
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Someone just threatened to call me later
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”