I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
the world’s most popular steaming services
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.