I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
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My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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Me: Same.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.