I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
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Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!