Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
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I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen