@WheelTod: I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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@mstluvstrinkets: "Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don't drink but you like to drive?" Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife
@1Bad_Scientist: Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv! Me: Oh. No that's just for when I run out of toilet paper.
@stevevsninjas: Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword Legolas: And you have my bow Gimli: and my axe Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers