I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
bad news gang
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.