I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
i was baptized in a car wash