@LizHackett: I've studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

@BrainFumbles: Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...

@JasonIsbell: If y'all are gonna insist on calling those things "hoverboards," I'll be over here flying around with my "jetpack."

@internetluke: Man down! Send in back up! *wife comes rushing in the room* "What happened?!" *i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

@thejessbess: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, "K" so it must be pretty bad.