@Dawn_M_: I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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@murrman5: *texts son "dont say me" as wife heads to his bedroom* wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
@ItsAndyRyan: Doctor: "Why is my waiting room empty?" Judge: "I hauled everyone off to court" Doctor: "You're trying my patients"
@BuckyIsotope: *visits new girlfriend's house for 1st time* "Make yourself at home" Great. Thanks! *I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
@WhaJoTalkinBout: Her: What's your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom? Me: Showering is optional Her: HAHAHA, be serious. Me: Ok, no drug tests.