@Dawn_M_: I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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@Phook75: The upside to having kids is how you're able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans
@wittwitbarista: *2 days before payday* Me: CLEAR! Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
@dumbbeezie: "You ruined everything." -People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
@AthenaMystique: How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man... I mean... Just asking.