I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
synchronized noseblowing