I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
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I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”