I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?