“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about