I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
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Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I have a place for everything. The floor.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”