I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
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very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*