I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
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An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Support your local cemetery
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.