I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
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My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction