@Brianhopecomedy: I texted my wife with "ROTFHAHA" & she replied with "LMAO" so I don't think she understands that I'm having a heart attack.
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@LoneWolfStories: That's one healthy flower bed you've got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there? -My attempts at small talk.
@imadepoopstoday: Bring brownies to work. Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, "you feelin anything yet?"