My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Love is always patient and kind.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?