How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE