@BlindChow: i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
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@david8hughes: [sees kid crying in the mall] "What's wrong?" "I'm lost." "You're in the mall you little idiot."
@Brianhopecomedy: Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, "The M&M's".
@Fred_Delicious: [2 dogs eating dinner] "u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great" [stops chewing] "why does this taste like chocolate"