I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.