SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
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ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
The Book. The Movie.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.