@Smethanie: I texted someone "hell yeah," but autocorrect changed it to "hell year" because even our phones know.
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@iwearaonesie: [laying in bed] wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up? me: Yes *sound of TV crashing to the floor* me: No
@Lowenaffchen: Glue a tiny mirror over your driver's license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead