@Smethanie: I texted someone "hell yeah," but autocorrect changed it to "hell year" because even our phones know.
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@Fickle_Filly: Me: I'm going shopping. Him: If you buy more than one pair of shoes I'm divorcing you. Me: Deal!
@mommy_cusses: Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
@SteveSackington: My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
@tweetarded1: Officer: "didn't you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?" Me: "yes I did officer. But this isn't my car"