I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
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If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.