@Smethanie: I texted someone "hell yeah," but autocorrect changed it to "hell year" because even our phones know.
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@Tommytoughstuff: *Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don't try anything stupid." *Tries to put a fork in a light socket* "Hey! What did I just say"!?
@DirtMcTurd: I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
@jordan_stratton: Doctor: "We got your test results back. I'm so sorry--it's Curiosity." Cat: "Oh my god..."
@Robert_Beau: At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?