I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
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ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder