I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
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Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
For the baby who has everything
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Mornin
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.