My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
be careful
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.