Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Doctors texting each other.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My love language is deader than Latin
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.