I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.