@BiIIMurray: I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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@iAmDelFreaky: Axl Rose: Where do we go? Me: Left Axl: Where do we go now? Me: Straight. Axl: Oh, where do we go now? Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
@EJGomez: bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]
@stevefrigley: Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone. Guess who has a new ringtone.
@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.