I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The best shot in the history of golf
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn