Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
You Might Also Like
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Nice try, poison.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
mmm onion ringos
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?