me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
You Might Also Like
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat