I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.