I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
i choose….tongue
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.