I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My boss called in sick of me
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.