teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
How dude HOW?!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.