I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.