I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”