I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.