I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
They’re not wrong
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
brian had himself a morning…
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
When you’re Kinky but poor
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why