@TheRolo: [Walking around the office] *Sees nosepicker* *Hears burper* *Smells gas* Boss: What are you doing? Calculating the..."Gross Margin."

@StarbuckMcLover: I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.

@ShockTartBionic: Your baby's got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection? Are you even trying to keep him alive?

@Fred_Delicious: "guns don't kill people, guns CREATE people!" *fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*

@Mr_Kapowski: After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back "Listen idiot, you're drunk. Just go lay down"