Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?